Vicious cycle

I guess, at the end of the day, I have no-one to blame but myself.

Perhaps I love too much, maybe I’m obsessed and consumed by this love I feel. Or just maybe, I’m not loved in return. Whatever it is, I’m back where I started. How I feel scares me, my thoughts have shaken my core, I can’t control them or how I feel. There is little I can do.

I find myself back where I was 3 years ago; hurt, betrayed, unwanted, unloved. I so desperately want what seems so impossible to have – to be loved in return the way I love; to have the same loyalty and respect that I give; to be valued, loved, wanted, needed.

I’m feeling all this again, I fear I might find myself here again, or this time worse. I’m so very scared, scared of myself, scared of my thoughts, scared of my feelings.

I know I’ve hurt him too, I’m not blameless or innocent. I know I’ve made his life hell at the best of times. I know my intense passion for him and our relationship is overbearing at the best of times, I know I can be intense. I’m sorry.

Yes, I say this to you, I am sorry. I can’t stop the feelings I have for you, I can’t taper the passion, I can’t stop wanting you more everyday, I can’t stop fighting to have you be the man I love and want. I can’t stop hoping that one day you’ll realise you do actually love me and want me, that maybe one day, I will be enough.  And because I love you so much, I’m letting you go, I know this and have known for a while, I can’t make you be mine, I can’t make you love me, I can’t make you stay. So I will not stand in your way, I will try not to show you my tears and hurt, I don’t want you to feel guilty, I love you so much, I want you to be happy no matter how your freedom away from me may hurt me. I want you to be all you want and have all you want, because I love you.

Peek-a-boo, guess who

I / I am….

Full of aches and pains – my neck and shoulders are tense and sore, my head is throbbing and my stomach is upset (had quite the throw up session last night, not nice)

Hating my ginormous breasts

Convinced the constant pain in my shoulders is caused by my massive boobage

Missing someone – in fact a few someones. 2 stand out in particular

Waiting to hear if some special someones got something special

Love making people smile and happy – it makes me happy by proxy

Am very excited about a visit by a sweet, kind, sexy, funny, interesting and much-needing-a-rest-friend; who will be welcomed with open arms at CasaSwissTwist for some R&R and Swiss hospitalty

Find Twitter irresistible, but I really need to get some work done

Promised a very new and very dear chat friend that I would blog, so there you go!

 

In other news:

Had a giggle yesterday when I heard a particular song, it took me back to my final year of high school. Tradition was that the leaving seniors would put on a show for the school and everyone in senior class got to participate. During the course of senior year we got a new Physical Science teacher. The poor dear was fresh out of teaching college and thrown into the lair of an all girls catholic high school. We did take advantage of her, we definitely did give her a very hard time and I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a nervous breakdown after our school show.

Dressed in only funky coloured leggings, the school tie and blazers we danced around with umbrellas / canes and sang (to the tune of Hey, Big Spender):

 The minute you walked through the door

We could tell you were an easy target, a real pushover

So young, and so naive

Bet you didn’t know what we had up our sleeves

 

So, let us get right to the point

We would like to feed you plastic explosives

Potassium and water

 

Hey Miss E…

Hey Miss E…

Stay home and

Rather watch TV

 I laugh and cringe when I think of this now. We were so very mean. Needless to say, it wasn’t received well by the faculty, the rest of the school loved it of course.

The rolling pea

now if only it would hurry up and get to me!!

I would have loved to put the Vimrod image here, but its fully copyrighted and I don’t think its allowed Go visit the site though, its brilliant

Quote of the Day

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”
– T.S. Eliot

My question to you: How far have YOU gone and what did you learn?

And I miss you

here’s why.. Please come back to me