Its a work in progress, as I’m still living it now. It’s also part of my ‘therapy’ for the want of a better term, in a way of self analysing what I’ve done and where things are headed.
Enjoy the ride with me.
Sunday 22 Jan 06 16:28
On the road to the nuthouse
And so far I seem to be squirreling away little bags of sugar!
Well yes, I finally lost that final marble, went over the edge, took the plunge, swallowed the pills. And yes, I know it was stupid. No, it has not achieved anything, yes, I am paying the price for it now.
Lets start at the beginning, shall we?
Last week was really rough on me, in fact the last 2 weeks had been. Hubby was away in Seattle, I was feeling more and more alone and isolated. I tried to drown myself in work, but since I’m still new there is only so much I can do. I did something stupid by going on a date with another man, he knew I am married as I know he is. Nothing happened, just dinner, but it was enough to make me feel really bad. When I did speak to hubby that night (while out) I didn’t tell him who I was with, in fact I lied to him. When he got home I told him, cos well, I just can’t keep secrets anyway. As it turns out my darling hubby did more than just date someone. Alone in Seattle, ‘single’ for a week and things happened. It killed me inside. It hurt so much. This is something that I cannot in anyway describe or explain, but I died from a broken heart. I had nothing left and it destroyed me. I spoke to ‘her’ having tracked her down, she didn’t know about me (surprise!) and apologized, blah blah blah, and promised to stay away from him, feeling somewhat betrayed herself. Friday night after the phone calls, sms’s and emails between us three the world fell apart. Hubby and I were further apart than ever, I was scared and panicked, so I made plans. Saturday I did some art supply shopping, stopped at the pharmacy for ‘other’ supplies and headed home, poured myself a vodka and started painting. Then the argument started, I discovered she had lied to me about something too, and I knew deep down that there was no longer hope for hubby and I. I started swallowing them, he tried to stop me and I continued, he fought and begged and I just want to die, asking him to just leave me alone. The ambulance, police and doctor all arrived in full force only to force me to leave my home. I’d fought them hard, now I have the blue marks and bruises to proof it, haha!, but yes they won. I write this post now from the Psychiatric hospital in Zürich, not sure when I’ll be allowed to go home, not sure where, what’s left of my life is headed.
[...] feeling all this again, I fear I might find myself here again, or this time worse. I’m so very scared, scared of myself, scared of my thoughts, scared [...]
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