Vicious cycle

I guess, at the end of the day, I have no-one to blame but myself.

Perhaps I love too much, maybe I’m obsessed and consumed by this love I feel. Or just maybe, I’m not loved in return. Whatever it is, I’m back where I started. How I feel scares me, my thoughts have shaken my core, I can’t control them or how I feel. There is little I can do.

I find myself back where I was 3 years ago; hurt, betrayed, unwanted, unloved. I so desperately want what seems so impossible to have – to be loved in return the way I love; to have the same loyalty and respect that I give; to be valued, loved, wanted, needed.

I’m feeling all this again, I fear I might find myself here again, or this time worse. I’m so very scared, scared of myself, scared of my thoughts, scared of my feelings.

I know I’ve hurt him too, I’m not blameless or innocent. I know I’ve made his life hell at the best of times. I know my intense passion for him and our relationship is overbearing at the best of times, I know I can be intense. I’m sorry.

Yes, I say this to you, I am sorry. I can’t stop the feelings I have for you, I can’t taper the passion, I can’t stop wanting you more everyday, I can’t stop fighting to have you be the man I love and want. I can’t stop hoping that one day you’ll realise you do actually love me and want me, that maybe one day, I will be enough.  And because I love you so much, I’m letting you go, I know this and have known for a while, I can’t make you be mine, I can’t make you love me, I can’t make you stay. So I will not stand in your way, I will try not to show you my tears and hurt, I don’t want you to feel guilty, I love you so much, I want you to be happy no matter how your freedom away from me may hurt me. I want you to be all you want and have all you want, because I love you.